spitfire, throwing fire. (the prodigy, ronald jenkees)

I'm at an impass.

I am unsure of what lies ahead. My path has darkened infront of me. Things are pushing past me. I don't have time to breathe, and old family arguments have re surfaced. Exams approacheth. I sat one earlier, i have another one tomorrow. A third on monday. I fear that, even though i worked over easter, that i may not have done enough. My friends have worked, and it is obvious. Some have fallen by the wayside, either due to medical reasons, and i wish them the swiftest of recoveries so they can return to the fray, and some have simply decided they have had enough.

And it is the second that get at me. For there is nothing i hate more than a man who runs from a fight they have entered. In combat, it is morally acceptable to die at your opponents hands. Not to run like a dog. The question is, in this situation, what would you do. I know i would not run, for i am too proud. I am also not very modest.

I have asked lottie to help me with my other key issue, she said she would, i am hoping for good news. If there is not any, then i will re-cloth myself in my fieldmarshals uniform. For i am the fieldmarshal of the singles brigade, and this means that you can fuck right off.

i survived my mountain of prep for the day. 2 history essays, a chemistry paper, and some latin. Latin is in the blood. Not everyone has it. But it is there. It flows in mine, more so than others. you all know my moto, and most of you know that i go around with caesaris written on my left wrist. i'm thinking of adding filius to that, this would inturn make me either Augustus Caesar, Aggripa Postula, or Tiberius. You guys can tell i'm a historian by birth, and i like classical history the most, either that or renaissance Italian. Italian history and me go together, and one day i hope to write one of these in fluid Italian. My sons shall speak it, and my daughters shall speak it. Either that, or arabic, for i have always wanted to know how to speak some of that. And if anyone knows how to say almighty in arabic, or what the word achminem means, if anything at all, it would be valued greatly.

And breathe.

I hope for good news, wish me luck.

For i love you all,

Jx

Song of the day: Throwing fire - Ronald Jenkees
Quote of the day: 'Cos you know that i can' - The Prodigy

You're not from New York, you're from Rotherham

You know what.....

i actually can't think of anything to say. Its just been one of those evenings. Nothing has happened, bar the fact that of course...

Liverpool are thrashing West ham.
Thats always promising. :D

I feel good about myself today, i worked pretty solidly all day, and i had an exam, which went swimmingly. Nothing like that to give you a bit of confidence in the long run.

And i'm hoping that i might be able to do something at the next bluenote sock. Sleeping sickenes by city and colour, if anyone's interested. I have asked a mate in house, he said yeah, so hopefully. City and colour are an awesome band, i love dallas' tattoos. I want them. Nothing like a bit of full body inkage.

And George, if your reading this, if you fancy doing something with your new guitar and me, then i'm up for it. Fuck it, you only live once, and anything to impress you know who.
Me and her is getting on really well at the moment and i hope to keep it that way for a long time. She know how i feel about her, and that is a good thing. I haven't spoken to her yet today, i should probs call her, later, later.

Argh, and not a word whoever reads this, not a fucking word. I have already said to much, and she may not talk to me again if she finds out, and i would commit suicide and on my grave would be your name, blaming you.


You have been warned.

More reccy football tomorrow, fuck yes!

Basically, i have nothing to say, i'm just on here because i felt like that.
Neway, i'm going to bed

Love you all

Jx

Song of the day: Fake tales of San Francisco - Arctic Monkeys
Quote of the day: 'Lets just say that i am transexual' - James Hoggarth (We were arguing about where transexuals/transvestites should have private toilets. I was arguing they should.)

You know, i think i have no life.

its a saturday night, i'm at home, babysitting my workaholic little sister who hasn't stopped since she got in because thats just her. I need another beer.

Look, i opened up to the person i like today, not to her face, as i have before, but subtly. By way of a birthday card that i recycled from a valentine's card, with the same message, i'm like this. I'm a bit of a douchebag like that. But i do silly things when i'm a little bit crazy for someone and have been forever.

I need ice cream.

I need more beer, and some chips, and some more stuff.

I can't be bothered to work. And a woman. God i hate being like this.
Lottie, when you read this, can you do me a favour please, could you go to her room and check if there is any white chocolate on her desk or rappers in her bin, then please get back to me. It would be good for me to know. i know you know who i'm talking about. Thank you, i will take you out on tuesday for coffee and walk and listen to you talk about your life and then hug you and kiss it better, because i'm good like that. And if it wasn't obvious before, i mean the white rabbit, i hope that narrows it down. Please god say it does.

Thank you.

I fucking hate being me.

Neway, m going to get some beer and more chips.

I love you all

Jx

Song of the day: Matrix futurebound (feat MC Spyda) - Knite Ridaz
Quote of the day: 'I only have eyes for you' - James Hoggarth

I need a friends support,

look, i'm a fool, i'm a big, big fool.
But still, what can i do?

You see, if you've read some of my other entries, you may realise that i have mentioned one girl and not mentioned her name. Well, i have, but very subtly.
Very, very subtly.

But i want her. I want her so badly. Like Menelaus wanted Helen of Sparta. Like i want Rome. I'm physically lost for words by home much see means to me. It is stupid. I shouldn't, she's hurt me before, and i have exams but fuck it. I'd sacrifice my soul for her. I want nothing more than her. I would die for her. I would kill for her. Honestly.

But i am Hector, and i should have found my woman by now. But i haven't. And i would love it she would be mine. My Andromache.

Argh, what the fuck is wrong with me.

ei mihi.
quid patior?
Cupid, deus mei, aut desinete me aut proficite me
Candor viribus alas dat
sum James, filius Roystoni
rex Scoti designo
sed quid mihi est?

I'm talking to her on facebook chat. Fuck help me.

Fuck, facebook is being a wanker, as per usual

Neway,

I love you all

Jx

Song of the day: Hurricane - 30 seconds to Mars
Quote of the day - 'Tell me, would you kill to save a life?' - Jared Leto

I want to learn Italian

Anyone fancy giving me free lessons, then i will worship you forever.

You know what kids?

Fuck it.
Fuck it all.
I'm just about ready to give up.
I'm ready to stnd up and walk out of lessons. I;m so not in the mood right now for anything. Bar a holiday, and some sweet peanuts. And maybe some porn.
What, i'm a pig, you already new that.

I'm thinking of trying protein, some people i know use it, and i was recommended it by a mate out of school from down my local gym, and my mum said i should, so i think i might over the summer.

I hate being back at school. I really fucking do.
I'm to old for this shit.

I'm quite proud of myself, i haven't had a cigarette for nearly 10 weeks. I could fucking use one now. Either that or a keg of ice cold beer.

just seen the best equation ever

power + money = women

If only that was fucking true.
I'm also very sexually frustrated atm. I haven't had any since february. Barely a wiff.
I hate this feeling. I really do. And my hand hurts.

The inbetweeners just came on, i love this show.
There is hope for us lot yet.


And i'm growing my goatee again. Because i can.

I have nothing really left to say,

Oh, and i could be on the way to Edinburgh, but i quit choir, fuck you world, fuck you.

Song of the day: The night of the hunter - 30 seconds to Mars
Quote of the day: 'Honest to God i'll break your heart, tear you to pieces and rip you apart'- 30 seconds to Mars

Reaching the end

Its coming to the end of the holidays,
I have worked solidly for it, and as my last update shows, am going insane, absolutely insane. I have not enough time, but i have so much to do.

But i am using this blog to talk about lottie.

Lottie is one of my best friends, she has been mentioned before, perhaps not in the best light, but i have to write this about her, because she needs everyone right now. She's having a bad time at the moment, and she needs a lots of hugs.

I've known her since i was 14 years old, and the first memory i have of her is coming back from durham in a coach full of screaming 13, 14 and 15 year olds, she drew a heart on my face with lipstick. This will stay with me forever.

She's a good friend, and i love her for it.

I'm writing this for her, and i don't have long!

She's beating her self up at the moment because of her and her ex-boyfriend, and he loved her and she left him for his own good and now he's having none of it and BLLLLLLLEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHH

I love them both, they're my amigos. And i want them to be therefore each other forever. But i am no Cupid, i am no Hitch. If i was, i would not be fieldmarshal James Alexander Hoggarth of the legion of single men and women.

back to the story.

I can not say much more about lottie. I have undying love for her, she is my best female friend, and i would walk to the moon and back for her, and she knows this. Even if she isn't feeling good right now, i want her to know that i love her. I love her so much. And im sitting here, im thinking about her, and how fragile she must be feeling and i just want to hold her. she is so small, so perfect, i could hold her in my hand, and she would be safe from the world. But she has a huge personality, she is vibrant, and bubbly, and always up for a good time, and i hope, i hope that this never goes. Your not a bad person, your a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful and i wouldn't trade you for anyone. I'm going to miss you next year, if it was down to me, i'd stay another year just so i could make sure you pass your a levels.
i find that with all my female friends, i am compelled to hurt men that hurt them. You guys know how angry i can become. i have often thought about the times i will fight men in the future, and how i shall not give up.


Lottie, i know your reading this. I love you. I love you so much. I never want to see you unhappy. Ever.

That is why i should mention the time when i got a text from her, i went to see her and she was in floods. She cried and cried and cried to me, and to Emma. I have never seen a woman cry like this before, not over a friend of mine. ANd i swear that i will put this right in the future. I was fuming when this happened. Fuming. I have never wanted to hurt someone so much before and i hope with every bone in my body that i never do again.

And that is what i think of you.
You have made me who i am. You have directly made me the man i am.
I have not spoken of what i felt for you when we were younger here. This is not because i can't bring myself to do it. But because you could never, and will never be mine.

I love you so much as a friend, and you will always have a place in my heart.
Now stop beating yourself up, your starting to make me cry, and we don't want that. You'd be the third girl in your year in your house to do that. I'll explain another time. You comforted me one of those times. ANd i thank you for it. The first time, i wish i had been stabbed, i honestly do, and now i think about it, i feel like a fool, but you were there for me, and i love you for it. I always have done, and always will do.

I have often made the wrong choice, but sticking by you was always the right one.

I love you all, but today, especially lottie.

Song of the day: No song
Quote of the day: No quote

Today is all about you lottie. Not some song, or some quote.
Your the best
xxxx

And.... breathe.


Candor viribus alas dat.

This phrase is my family moto, and i try to live my life by it. It is integral to my humanity. I am James A. Hoggarth. I'm going to get this tattoo across my arm, either in the next few weeks, or in the summer. One of them. This phrase is my all, my everything, and it is the one thing keeping me above ground.

I opened my soul to one of my best friends the other day, he opened his to me as well. We are now closer, more interconnected, together in our minds. I thank you Andrew. You are a good friend, and when the world comes to an end, and the apocolyse takes the lives of the week, i will be proud to stand next to you and fight off the on coming hordes of darkness.

I am James A. Hoggarth.

breathe.


I am working for my A2's. They are driving me insane, i keep seeing things, in my periferals. They are there. Spiders, insects, things i fear, things that i don't understand. Gods help me.
I am very much undecided about my religious beliefs, Islam draws me, it calls to me, the voices tell me to go to it. But then so do the gods of old, the roman Gods, the ancient one's.

breathe.

I am torn, my heart is torn, my head is torn, i can't decide, think with the head, or the heart, i thought with my heart the other day, and im now lost. Lost beyond belief. She thought with her head, because the other options were her's. She doesn't read this. She refused, she doesn't want to see me like this. Lost, unwell, tired. The usual stuff.

Neway,

I love you all,
more soon

Song of the day: On my own - Saosin
Quote of the day: 'Candor viribus alas dat' - Anon