Pain comes in 2 forms. These forms are often intertwined.
Today i have felt both.
Physical pain when i fell off my bike and shredded by right big toe.
Emotional pain when i realised that i couldn't help fix a person i was desperate to fix.
I try ad change people, people who tell me that they're hurting. But the thing i should learn to do is not to try, because sometimes you only make it worse.
I'm really struggling tonight folks. Really really struggling.
In better news, its George's birthday, happy birthday man! I love you buddy xxxx
Sometimes a brave face is all it takes. I've realised tonight that perhaps my armour isn't as strong as i thought i was. Perhaps my chainmail is outdated, and plate would be better.
haha.
And i'm fine again.
Hiphop fucking works. Its like the cure for everything. Not shit hip hop, like 50 cent. but really hip hope, like lowkey, and d'israeli, braintax and any brit or aussie hip hop.
Its fucking awesome brethren, fucking awesome.
However, today i did do something that i'm never gonna forget. I went parassailing for the first time, which is basically where they strap you onto a big parachute, and drag you up into the air by a harness, you can see for miles! At the top we were about 150 metres up. And you could see for miles. And you could see Tiger sharks in the water, and it was just amazing.
But yeah.
I discovered i was in a paradoxical situation, without actually realising i was. This may have put a few places out of bounds, but im sure everything will be ok. I'm going to make sure everything is going to be ok. And one day we will meet again, and be able to help one another. PLease don't feel bad. I was hurt only for about 5 minutes. I was sad for about 10. It was nice.
I'm sorry.
i have a firm don't use the delete button policy on this blog. But thats just me. innit.
I'm going to keep getting bigger, then apply for a job as a bouncer i have decided, and if that works, i maybe able to pay for the fees for me to being a psychiatrist. For anyone whose a bit lost, basiacally i've realised that that is the one thing in my life that is a bit stable, that i want to help people, and don't that might help!
Anyway, i love you all, but especially you. You know who you are. May white suns rise for you xxx
To all the rest of you, you must all work harder for my love!
nawwwwwt.
xxx
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
Monday, 2 August 2010
Family arguments.
I want peoples opinions on this. Text me please.
My family has split. The main split is between my mother and the rest of us.
She accuses my father of not being the man she married. She claims she no longer loves him. And my father says she is being stupid.
The thing they're arguing about:
-children.
My mother can no longer have any, but she wants more and is desperate to adopt one. My father doesn't want to. He doesn't want to spend the rest of his life looking after small children.
She has decided to blank me, and won't talk to me. She has barely spoken to any of us all day and spent a large amount of it lying in her bedroom, alone. She wants to go home, back to the UK, alone. She's currently sitting outside the house, alone. I've asked her what the problem is, but she won't comment. I've asked her why she's blanking me, and she's said she's not, which just isn't true. I'm trying to be nice. And i don't like her picking on my dad. She has no right to be horrid to him. He has an opinion, and he doesn't want more kids. but i fear that she will not get her wish, and therefore they will split. Or she will get her wish and my dad will be unhappy for another 18 years.
My sister has told her her opinion, which is that she doesnt' think that she should have more kids, and that if my mother loved either my sister or myself, then she wouldn't have more, and that she would live in the knowledge that she has already raised 2 kids. I do not love my mother, she is over protective, and gives me no room to breath. It is an irony, that sometimes a hug, something i'm going to use to resemble safety, if too hard, can suffocate the recipiant. She has squeezed to hard, and therefore i cannot wait to fly the nest.
She just came and attacked my dad. And i attacked her back. She has no right to bully my family. She apparently she's ahd lots of misscarriages in the last ten years, she should be happy with what she has. She has no right to be so overbearing.
Apparently my dad wanted them once. But he no longer feels that way. She can't change things that didn't happen. She just can't.
I'm worked up and feel shit. I'm honestly never going to talk to her ever again. She ruined my life, and she's ruined my family. The perfect family that was meant to be for everyone. The one that is now ruined.
I need a place to stay. We maybe coming home early.
I'm evicting myself. Please someone take me in.
x
My family has split. The main split is between my mother and the rest of us.
She accuses my father of not being the man she married. She claims she no longer loves him. And my father says she is being stupid.
The thing they're arguing about:
-children.
My mother can no longer have any, but she wants more and is desperate to adopt one. My father doesn't want to. He doesn't want to spend the rest of his life looking after small children.
She has decided to blank me, and won't talk to me. She has barely spoken to any of us all day and spent a large amount of it lying in her bedroom, alone. She wants to go home, back to the UK, alone. She's currently sitting outside the house, alone. I've asked her what the problem is, but she won't comment. I've asked her why she's blanking me, and she's said she's not, which just isn't true. I'm trying to be nice. And i don't like her picking on my dad. She has no right to be horrid to him. He has an opinion, and he doesn't want more kids. but i fear that she will not get her wish, and therefore they will split. Or she will get her wish and my dad will be unhappy for another 18 years.
My sister has told her her opinion, which is that she doesnt' think that she should have more kids, and that if my mother loved either my sister or myself, then she wouldn't have more, and that she would live in the knowledge that she has already raised 2 kids. I do not love my mother, she is over protective, and gives me no room to breath. It is an irony, that sometimes a hug, something i'm going to use to resemble safety, if too hard, can suffocate the recipiant. She has squeezed to hard, and therefore i cannot wait to fly the nest.
She just came and attacked my dad. And i attacked her back. She has no right to bully my family. She apparently she's ahd lots of misscarriages in the last ten years, she should be happy with what she has. She has no right to be so overbearing.
Apparently my dad wanted them once. But he no longer feels that way. She can't change things that didn't happen. She just can't.
I'm worked up and feel shit. I'm honestly never going to talk to her ever again. She ruined my life, and she's ruined my family. The perfect family that was meant to be for everyone. The one that is now ruined.
I need a place to stay. We maybe coming home early.
I'm evicting myself. Please someone take me in.
x
Sunday, 1 August 2010
America
I'm in the USA.
Its 110 degrees, im dying in the heat, and i'm about ready to just sleep for a little while. My dad is a very lets do as much as we can on this beach holiday kind of guy... and my sister follows in step. Basically they want to do as much stuff on this holiday as they possibly can, as is usual with my family.
To put this in perspective:
Yesterday, we rented bikes, we went swimming in the sea, we dug a six foot hole, we went shopping, we cycled to the overend of the island, we got stuff ready for today and tomorrow, we bought food, we bought clothes, We did more sea swimming and its just a little bit over baring and i could use some sleep. However my sister doesn't seem to understand this and thus she thinks its ok to ask me every five minutes some stupid question like 'why did you bring your laptop on holiday' or 'why arn't you ready yet' or 'why haven't you eaten breakfast yet this holiday' or 'why this, why that' She's like a fucking 4 year old and its getting on my nerves. She has also, much like her mother taken to using the imperative all the time. This family is fucked up and i can't wait to get out of it.
The other really weird thing about this holiday is that, basically, whatever i say we should do my family do. They're like trying to fatten me up and they try and get me to stay in october.... hahahahahahahaha, go fuck yourselves family, im not staying, i ahve much better things to do, like make friends, find lovers, and have fun, something that you overbearing bastards haven't let me do yet.
The other terrible thing about this country is that i can;t drink in the comfort of a restaurant, or a bar, beacuse this country is fucking backwards. At sixteen in this country, i can get married, by a gun, learn to drive and join the army. But i can't drink. At 18 i can get more, bigger guns, go to college and join the special forces, but i sitll can't drink. This country is fucking shit. This is the most sober i have been in weeks and coincidently the most angry and twitchy i've been all weak. Grrrr. This country really does piss me off with its stupid laws and its faggoty people with their stupid accents and sheer stupidity. I will probably regret saying this but on this holiday i have met some seriously dumb people, some seriously uncivilised people. When in New York, i was in a shop where an American female decided she would just strike up conversation with me. I was ok with this. It was when she started to lambast BP about the oil spill that i got angry.
To all americans out their. WE'RE NOT SORRY ABOUT THE OIL SPILL BECAUSE IT WASN'T OUR FAULT. YOU BLAME THE BRITISH FOR IT AND CALL IT BRITISH PETROLEUM WHEN IT WAS REALLY YOUR ENGINEERS WORKING ON IT. IT WAS AMERICAN AND MEXICAN CITIZENS WHO MANNED THAT RIG AND IT WAS THEY WHO CAUSED THE PROBLEM, NOT THE MAN WHO RUNS IT, SO STOP MAKING A SCAPEGOAT OUT OF HIM, HE'S A GOOD MAN WHO YOU HAVE GOT SACKED AND BLACK MARKED DUE TO YOUR FANCIFUL RUMOURS THAT IT WAS SOME FAULT OF HIS.
I said something along those lines to the woman, who slapped me, and left.
I hate this country.
Probably the most amusing part of this trip so far was watching 2 very large black women making out on the subway. Or get flashed by a bloke in the hotel next to us.
Results come out in a 18 days. Good luck to all my friends and to everyone who has ever read this. To my enemies, and the people i hate. Go fuck yourselves. I hope you fail.
I must also add that thanks to the author Trudi Canavan, if i call you a lad i am being derogatory. If there is anyone who wishes to join me in this secretive lad hating spree, then i would be happy.
To let you know what it stands for:
In modern day English, a lad refers to someone who smokes ad drinks a lot and is seen as being pretty awesome, but can be a right cunt to some people, only adding to his awesomeness in the eyes of others.
In TC English, a lad refers to a man who is a Lover of Aroused Dick. No offence to my homosexual friends, its just something you can use on people who think they are lads to be derogatory to them behind their backs :)
haha. I love being sneaky.
Yep so i thats about it from america. If anyone wants to do anything when i return then dont hesitate to ask. I know im going to fail my a lvls because i didn't really take them as seriosuly as some people. I wish luck to all my friends.
And special shout out goes to my friend Andrew, who has his first driving lesson tomorrow after putting it off for 18 months.
Yay, the overbearing pair our back. And they're being massivly overbearing.
Bastards
And Jess, if you read this, we all love you and i'm here for you
xxx
x
Its 110 degrees, im dying in the heat, and i'm about ready to just sleep for a little while. My dad is a very lets do as much as we can on this beach holiday kind of guy... and my sister follows in step. Basically they want to do as much stuff on this holiday as they possibly can, as is usual with my family.
To put this in perspective:
Yesterday, we rented bikes, we went swimming in the sea, we dug a six foot hole, we went shopping, we cycled to the overend of the island, we got stuff ready for today and tomorrow, we bought food, we bought clothes, We did more sea swimming and its just a little bit over baring and i could use some sleep. However my sister doesn't seem to understand this and thus she thinks its ok to ask me every five minutes some stupid question like 'why did you bring your laptop on holiday' or 'why arn't you ready yet' or 'why haven't you eaten breakfast yet this holiday' or 'why this, why that' She's like a fucking 4 year old and its getting on my nerves. She has also, much like her mother taken to using the imperative all the time. This family is fucked up and i can't wait to get out of it.
The other really weird thing about this holiday is that, basically, whatever i say we should do my family do. They're like trying to fatten me up and they try and get me to stay in october.... hahahahahahahaha, go fuck yourselves family, im not staying, i ahve much better things to do, like make friends, find lovers, and have fun, something that you overbearing bastards haven't let me do yet.
The other terrible thing about this country is that i can;t drink in the comfort of a restaurant, or a bar, beacuse this country is fucking backwards. At sixteen in this country, i can get married, by a gun, learn to drive and join the army. But i can't drink. At 18 i can get more, bigger guns, go to college and join the special forces, but i sitll can't drink. This country is fucking shit. This is the most sober i have been in weeks and coincidently the most angry and twitchy i've been all weak. Grrrr. This country really does piss me off with its stupid laws and its faggoty people with their stupid accents and sheer stupidity. I will probably regret saying this but on this holiday i have met some seriously dumb people, some seriously uncivilised people. When in New York, i was in a shop where an American female decided she would just strike up conversation with me. I was ok with this. It was when she started to lambast BP about the oil spill that i got angry.
To all americans out their. WE'RE NOT SORRY ABOUT THE OIL SPILL BECAUSE IT WASN'T OUR FAULT. YOU BLAME THE BRITISH FOR IT AND CALL IT BRITISH PETROLEUM WHEN IT WAS REALLY YOUR ENGINEERS WORKING ON IT. IT WAS AMERICAN AND MEXICAN CITIZENS WHO MANNED THAT RIG AND IT WAS THEY WHO CAUSED THE PROBLEM, NOT THE MAN WHO RUNS IT, SO STOP MAKING A SCAPEGOAT OUT OF HIM, HE'S A GOOD MAN WHO YOU HAVE GOT SACKED AND BLACK MARKED DUE TO YOUR FANCIFUL RUMOURS THAT IT WAS SOME FAULT OF HIS.
I said something along those lines to the woman, who slapped me, and left.
I hate this country.
Probably the most amusing part of this trip so far was watching 2 very large black women making out on the subway. Or get flashed by a bloke in the hotel next to us.
Results come out in a 18 days. Good luck to all my friends and to everyone who has ever read this. To my enemies, and the people i hate. Go fuck yourselves. I hope you fail.
I must also add that thanks to the author Trudi Canavan, if i call you a lad i am being derogatory. If there is anyone who wishes to join me in this secretive lad hating spree, then i would be happy.
To let you know what it stands for:
In modern day English, a lad refers to someone who smokes ad drinks a lot and is seen as being pretty awesome, but can be a right cunt to some people, only adding to his awesomeness in the eyes of others.
In TC English, a lad refers to a man who is a Lover of Aroused Dick. No offence to my homosexual friends, its just something you can use on people who think they are lads to be derogatory to them behind their backs :)
haha. I love being sneaky.
Yep so i thats about it from america. If anyone wants to do anything when i return then dont hesitate to ask. I know im going to fail my a lvls because i didn't really take them as seriosuly as some people. I wish luck to all my friends.
And special shout out goes to my friend Andrew, who has his first driving lesson tomorrow after putting it off for 18 months.
Yay, the overbearing pair our back. And they're being massivly overbearing.
Bastards
And Jess, if you read this, we all love you and i'm here for you
xxx
x
Saturday, 24 July 2010
My mother is a little bit like nuke.
Sometimes she can be genuinely nice, and useful. But usually she's highly dangerous, explosive, a massive bitch and a waste of space.
I was busy earlier having a bit of fun on my beloved Assassins Creed, by far the greatest game i've ever played and will ever play, when she decided to start the rant.
'Do something constructive'.
'I am doing something constructive'.
'No you're not, you're playing on some silly game who noone cares about but yourself'.
'Not true, over 50 million units of this game and its original have been sold, not including the Nintendo DS and iPhone apps, therefore if you look at it, there is a good chance that i'm not the only person on the planet playing this game... and also that several million people care about this game'.
'I'm not arguing with you, stop playing it'.
'No, what are you going to do, physically take the controller out of my hands? haha, you're pathetic'
'No i'm not, you're the pathetic one, all you care about is this stupid game and you don't care about me or anyone else in this family. All you do is lounge around all day and do nothing, your completely useless.......'
(her little rant continues)
And so she ran out the room crying, having attempted to attack me, picks up a plate and smashes it before crying some more. My dad runs in, asks her what is wrong, at which point she says that she never wanted a son, she hates me, wishes she had more children, and that he is a bastard for not letting her have more children.
He promptly ignores her, walks into the lounge and asks if i fancy a round of COD.
Haha, what a stupid bitch.
She's been trying to be nice, put her fuse is too short, and she snaps at the most ridiculous things. She doesn't want me going out into rugby or leamington incase i 'get stabbed'.
What a joke, i can handle myself, as has been seen before. I'm not some little pussy. I'm huge, people avoid me, and people who used think me someone to pray on have left me alone since they realised i can and will fight back and am not the easy target that the wanted me to be.
Anyway, im off for a bbq.
C.V.A.D
Sometimes she can be genuinely nice, and useful. But usually she's highly dangerous, explosive, a massive bitch and a waste of space.
I was busy earlier having a bit of fun on my beloved Assassins Creed, by far the greatest game i've ever played and will ever play, when she decided to start the rant.
'Do something constructive'.
'I am doing something constructive'.
'No you're not, you're playing on some silly game who noone cares about but yourself'.
'Not true, over 50 million units of this game and its original have been sold, not including the Nintendo DS and iPhone apps, therefore if you look at it, there is a good chance that i'm not the only person on the planet playing this game... and also that several million people care about this game'.
'I'm not arguing with you, stop playing it'.
'No, what are you going to do, physically take the controller out of my hands? haha, you're pathetic'
'No i'm not, you're the pathetic one, all you care about is this stupid game and you don't care about me or anyone else in this family. All you do is lounge around all day and do nothing, your completely useless.......'
(her little rant continues)
And so she ran out the room crying, having attempted to attack me, picks up a plate and smashes it before crying some more. My dad runs in, asks her what is wrong, at which point she says that she never wanted a son, she hates me, wishes she had more children, and that he is a bastard for not letting her have more children.
He promptly ignores her, walks into the lounge and asks if i fancy a round of COD.
Haha, what a stupid bitch.
She's been trying to be nice, put her fuse is too short, and she snaps at the most ridiculous things. She doesn't want me going out into rugby or leamington incase i 'get stabbed'.
What a joke, i can handle myself, as has been seen before. I'm not some little pussy. I'm huge, people avoid me, and people who used think me someone to pray on have left me alone since they realised i can and will fight back and am not the easy target that the wanted me to be.
Anyway, im off for a bbq.
C.V.A.D
Friday, 23 July 2010
Austria/Germany
I have landed back in the Uk having spent a week in Austria and Germany.
I shall now list the problems with these countries:
Austria:
-Full of old people.
-Full of flies because of the old people.
-Third world country.
-Third world country because they haven't discovered air-con or internet.
-Their idea of a 'mountain resort' is a ski resort lower than snowdon in Wales.
-ACCORDIONS.
-Lederhosen, they are not attractive, and i have seen enough fat men wearing them to know i never want to return to Austria
-Hotels, their idea of a four star hotel is one where i had to sleep on the floor. Yes, on the fucking floor. yay. Cunts.
-German, no-one speaks it, and very few of them could speak English thus making everyday tasks hard work.
-Everyone smokes. And i mean everyone.
-No such thing as a basic ham sandwich.
-Wet suits make me look fat.
- etc.
Germany:
-No, i don't give a shit about a salt mine.
-Mozart was Austrian you self-righteous cunts
-'Are their any clubs in the town?', 'clubs, hahahahahahahah', me to the receptionist and her reply.
-Lots of old people.
-Again, very little air-con.
-Airport delays of 4 hours.
-Yah, we are ze Germans and we have 100% efficiency... bollocks to that you guys are fucking useless!
And this is why i disliked by bavarian holiday.
There were some good bits, like throughing myself off a 8 meter cliff into a pool of icewater in Austria, or being able to converse with students in Munich before i flew home, or perhaps the hour of filthy electrohouse i listened to all weak...... and i must say, the female dresses they wear to go with the lederhosen are ridiculously erotic.....
yah.
Anyway, im off to the usa in a week. So that should be fun. However Germany and Austria have left me with some form of illness and bites from insects all over my body.
Sucks major ass.
But if anyone does want to do something, im free.
C.V.A.D
I shall now list the problems with these countries:
Austria:
-Full of old people.
-Full of flies because of the old people.
-Third world country.
-Third world country because they haven't discovered air-con or internet.
-Their idea of a 'mountain resort' is a ski resort lower than snowdon in Wales.
-ACCORDIONS.
-Lederhosen, they are not attractive, and i have seen enough fat men wearing them to know i never want to return to Austria
-Hotels, their idea of a four star hotel is one where i had to sleep on the floor. Yes, on the fucking floor. yay. Cunts.
-German, no-one speaks it, and very few of them could speak English thus making everyday tasks hard work.
-Everyone smokes. And i mean everyone.
-No such thing as a basic ham sandwich.
-Wet suits make me look fat.
- etc.
Germany:
-No, i don't give a shit about a salt mine.
-Mozart was Austrian you self-righteous cunts
-'Are their any clubs in the town?', 'clubs, hahahahahahahah', me to the receptionist and her reply.
-Lots of old people.
-Again, very little air-con.
-Airport delays of 4 hours.
-Yah, we are ze Germans and we have 100% efficiency... bollocks to that you guys are fucking useless!
And this is why i disliked by bavarian holiday.
There were some good bits, like throughing myself off a 8 meter cliff into a pool of icewater in Austria, or being able to converse with students in Munich before i flew home, or perhaps the hour of filthy electrohouse i listened to all weak...... and i must say, the female dresses they wear to go with the lederhosen are ridiculously erotic.....
yah.
Anyway, im off to the usa in a week. So that should be fun. However Germany and Austria have left me with some form of illness and bites from insects all over my body.
Sucks major ass.
But if anyone does want to do something, im free.
C.V.A.D
Thursday, 15 July 2010
Went to an awesome party a few days ago. kicked some major ass. Met a load of great people and had lots of long semi-drunk conversations about sexuality, religion and other awesome stuff. Was just what i needed.
I would make it sound lots better but unfortunately im fucking angry with 2 people at the moment. 2 people that im meant to 'love'. But i've just had enough of their total and utter bullshit. They're both bitches, harpies, hydras, whores, cunts.... the list is endless. Fuck i hate the females in my family.
Lets start at the beginning.
I've been ill recently, doctor prescribed some pills and lots of sleep..... i took the pills but not the sleep. He said, and i quote 'at least 10 hours a night'. So the other night i got none. The night after i got 4 and i got 5 lastnight. My mum however has woken me up at 7am on the last 2 mornings because she ahs things to do and because i'm 'being lazy' by staying in bed after 7..... ITS THE MOTHERFUCKING HOLIDAYS YOU FUCKING WHORE. GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK BEFORE I GET PROPERLY FUCKING ANGRY. I'm also apparently just sucking up my parents funds. Its no secret that my family's finances are in free fall. My dead's gone to find himself another job but apparently, according to the females in the household its my 'lazyness' which is causing out family's finances to fall..... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Dearest mother, you havent done an honest days work for 15 years, dont you ever fucking tell me i'm leeching this families resources. You spend nothing on me. You give all your time to the annorexic bitch who, unfortunately, you sprouted out of your legs and therefore i must call my sister. You spend money on her. Infact you're out now in rugby buying clothes with her for the 4th time this week. Its only fucking thursday for christs sake. And you blame me for this?! I'd also like to add that my parents are saving a lot of money now that im going to uni. Instead of paying 6grand a term plus add ons to send me to rugby (almost 20000 a year) they're now spending 3300 a year. A saving of around 16700 english pounds...... go fuck yourself whore. ARGH.
She then also decided to have a go at me because apparently, reading a novel isn't a productive use of my time. READING IS ALWAYS PRODUCTIVE. I'M DYSLEXIC SO GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. YOU USED TO BEG ME TO READ RATHER THAN GAME.
She has also told me that going to the gym isn't a productive use of my time because apparently me working out isn't what she had planned for me in life. ITS MY LIFE NOT YOURS SO FUCK OFF YOU WHORE. Its my body, i'll do with it what i like. If i want tatts i'll get them, if i want piercings i'll get them. If i want to dye my hair then i'll fucking do it. If i want you to get out of my face then you better fucking do so.
Our family has also adopted the imperative into everything that happens. There is no longer any friendliness in it. Do this. Do that. Make this. Make that. I've got an imperative for you. FUCK OFF. If your stuggling with it, it means, go away, leave, get out of my face etc.
I'm listening to last resort by papa roach... how ironic.
Then there's my sister. You know you hate someone when even their voice pisses you off. I can't wait to go to uni next year so i won't have to hear how annoying her voice is. I should have gone to Kos as i was. I could hardly stand up, but i should have gone simply so i could have been away from your voice and your mother. She's reached her weight target for the first time ever. She ways 50 kilos. less than half what i way. She looks about 12. And she hasn't matured. I can't fucking stand her, or my mother anymore. I'd rather take my own life than spend anytime with either of those bitches. They wonder why i'm secluded. They wonder why i went through a whole emo stage, they wondered why i self-harmed. They wonder what my motervation is to put myself through pain at a gym almost daily. They wonder why i'd rather spend time with friends than with them. Perhaps its because they think they can all walk over me. 'I. Can't. Go. On. Living. This. Way.' Correct papa roach. Correct.
My mum just called to check that i was doing something useful...... I don't want this anymore. I just can't fucking take this bullshit anymore. From either of them. I feel no emotion towards anyone because no one feels any towards me. I've just about had enough.
Can't wait to spend a month in a foreign country with them!!!!! 8D
Especially because its a foreign country where i can't legally drink acholic beverages!!!!!
Oh wait. Yes i can. I am James A. Hoggarth. Some know me as Hogi. Some know me a CVAD. Some know me a James. Few know me as A. perhaps this is where i should start.
No one cares anymore.
My rant has run out of steam on here. But in me, it certainly hasnt. it is a cruel God who gave me life in 1992. I'd much rather have lived a millenium ago. Would have been so much better than this one. 1000 years ago when i probably would have been living in Dunholm, or Bebbanburg. That should have been my destiny, instead of this one.
Someone once told me to never wish away my life. Because you only get one. Yeah, well at the moment, im wishing it away like you motherfuckers wouldn't believe. Because i have to. Because i dont want this anymore. And i never will want this. Apparently you only find true happiness when you find love. Well i havent found love forever and a day, im not going to find it anytime soon and you know what, im just about ready to stop trying to find it. Perhaps an ugly fuck like me shouldnt deserve love. Perhaps i should rot slowly in a pit somewhere like i have so often been told i'm going to by both family members and by former friends.
This is a long one, and i'm still going.
Anyway, Hatty, if you read this i recommend you watch V for Vendetta if you havent seen it. Its a great film and may help you with your parents. I know that J will support you, as will all the people i met the other othernight. As will i, i should add because your a great friend, and i'm hear for you.
I've also kind of accepted that my voice has gone. This is horrible for me. It used to be one of my only assets. Now i no longer have one. I may only be able now to make any money that way by screaming. Which apparently im allright at. I just dont put the practice in, and i dont use the correct substances to help myself.
Still, anythings possible.
And whats the worst that can fucking happen?
Fear is something i aim to dispell from myself. If i get rid of it then i will be invincible. My armor has grown back since i was unmanned, and now i hope to only strengthen the fucker by riding myself of weaknesses, like fear. No emotions. That would be the best thing for me. But there will always be one emotion in my which will always be here. Hate. Apparently the worst emotion. But one i've come to embrace.
And hate is an emotion that we should all live without.
x
I would make it sound lots better but unfortunately im fucking angry with 2 people at the moment. 2 people that im meant to 'love'. But i've just had enough of their total and utter bullshit. They're both bitches, harpies, hydras, whores, cunts.... the list is endless. Fuck i hate the females in my family.
Lets start at the beginning.
I've been ill recently, doctor prescribed some pills and lots of sleep..... i took the pills but not the sleep. He said, and i quote 'at least 10 hours a night'. So the other night i got none. The night after i got 4 and i got 5 lastnight. My mum however has woken me up at 7am on the last 2 mornings because she ahs things to do and because i'm 'being lazy' by staying in bed after 7..... ITS THE MOTHERFUCKING HOLIDAYS YOU FUCKING WHORE. GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK BEFORE I GET PROPERLY FUCKING ANGRY. I'm also apparently just sucking up my parents funds. Its no secret that my family's finances are in free fall. My dead's gone to find himself another job but apparently, according to the females in the household its my 'lazyness' which is causing out family's finances to fall..... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Dearest mother, you havent done an honest days work for 15 years, dont you ever fucking tell me i'm leeching this families resources. You spend nothing on me. You give all your time to the annorexic bitch who, unfortunately, you sprouted out of your legs and therefore i must call my sister. You spend money on her. Infact you're out now in rugby buying clothes with her for the 4th time this week. Its only fucking thursday for christs sake. And you blame me for this?! I'd also like to add that my parents are saving a lot of money now that im going to uni. Instead of paying 6grand a term plus add ons to send me to rugby (almost 20000 a year) they're now spending 3300 a year. A saving of around 16700 english pounds...... go fuck yourself whore. ARGH.
She then also decided to have a go at me because apparently, reading a novel isn't a productive use of my time. READING IS ALWAYS PRODUCTIVE. I'M DYSLEXIC SO GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. YOU USED TO BEG ME TO READ RATHER THAN GAME.
She has also told me that going to the gym isn't a productive use of my time because apparently me working out isn't what she had planned for me in life. ITS MY LIFE NOT YOURS SO FUCK OFF YOU WHORE. Its my body, i'll do with it what i like. If i want tatts i'll get them, if i want piercings i'll get them. If i want to dye my hair then i'll fucking do it. If i want you to get out of my face then you better fucking do so.
Our family has also adopted the imperative into everything that happens. There is no longer any friendliness in it. Do this. Do that. Make this. Make that. I've got an imperative for you. FUCK OFF. If your stuggling with it, it means, go away, leave, get out of my face etc.
I'm listening to last resort by papa roach... how ironic.
Then there's my sister. You know you hate someone when even their voice pisses you off. I can't wait to go to uni next year so i won't have to hear how annoying her voice is. I should have gone to Kos as i was. I could hardly stand up, but i should have gone simply so i could have been away from your voice and your mother. She's reached her weight target for the first time ever. She ways 50 kilos. less than half what i way. She looks about 12. And she hasn't matured. I can't fucking stand her, or my mother anymore. I'd rather take my own life than spend anytime with either of those bitches. They wonder why i'm secluded. They wonder why i went through a whole emo stage, they wondered why i self-harmed. They wonder what my motervation is to put myself through pain at a gym almost daily. They wonder why i'd rather spend time with friends than with them. Perhaps its because they think they can all walk over me. 'I. Can't. Go. On. Living. This. Way.' Correct papa roach. Correct.
My mum just called to check that i was doing something useful...... I don't want this anymore. I just can't fucking take this bullshit anymore. From either of them. I feel no emotion towards anyone because no one feels any towards me. I've just about had enough.
Can't wait to spend a month in a foreign country with them!!!!! 8D
Especially because its a foreign country where i can't legally drink acholic beverages!!!!!
Oh wait. Yes i can. I am James A. Hoggarth. Some know me as Hogi. Some know me a CVAD. Some know me a James. Few know me as A. perhaps this is where i should start.
No one cares anymore.
My rant has run out of steam on here. But in me, it certainly hasnt. it is a cruel God who gave me life in 1992. I'd much rather have lived a millenium ago. Would have been so much better than this one. 1000 years ago when i probably would have been living in Dunholm, or Bebbanburg. That should have been my destiny, instead of this one.
Someone once told me to never wish away my life. Because you only get one. Yeah, well at the moment, im wishing it away like you motherfuckers wouldn't believe. Because i have to. Because i dont want this anymore. And i never will want this. Apparently you only find true happiness when you find love. Well i havent found love forever and a day, im not going to find it anytime soon and you know what, im just about ready to stop trying to find it. Perhaps an ugly fuck like me shouldnt deserve love. Perhaps i should rot slowly in a pit somewhere like i have so often been told i'm going to by both family members and by former friends.
This is a long one, and i'm still going.
Anyway, Hatty, if you read this i recommend you watch V for Vendetta if you havent seen it. Its a great film and may help you with your parents. I know that J will support you, as will all the people i met the other othernight. As will i, i should add because your a great friend, and i'm hear for you.
I've also kind of accepted that my voice has gone. This is horrible for me. It used to be one of my only assets. Now i no longer have one. I may only be able now to make any money that way by screaming. Which apparently im allright at. I just dont put the practice in, and i dont use the correct substances to help myself.
Still, anythings possible.
And whats the worst that can fucking happen?
Fear is something i aim to dispell from myself. If i get rid of it then i will be invincible. My armor has grown back since i was unmanned, and now i hope to only strengthen the fucker by riding myself of weaknesses, like fear. No emotions. That would be the best thing for me. But there will always be one emotion in my which will always be here. Hate. Apparently the worst emotion. But one i've come to embrace.
And hate is an emotion that we should all live without.
x
Monday, 5 July 2010
Welcome to summer
Well, summer's started, and its been good.
Leavers ball was good, me and George had a nice chat. I got pretty destroyed, and can't remember anything between 2 and 7am..... appart from smacking Hugh Johnson-Gilbert in the face. He's a little cunt. And i'd smack him again. No one calls me a prick whilst im drunk and doesn't get a smack.
Wanker.
But good things come to those who wait. And i've waited a long time. But a good thing has come a long......
As you all know i've been gyming it a lot recently. Well yesterday, whilst i was warming up for a spin class a 5' 9" brunette comes and sits down next to me, asks if anyone was using the bike and sits down next to me. So we get talking, we trade numbers, and we see each other again tonight. She promised to call. And i think she may have done. We were going to go for a cycle tomorrow, she's training for a charity ride from lands end to john o'Groats. And i may join her. I'd miss freshers week, but i might join her. She's new to the area, she knows no-one. She can't be much older than 22. She has a masters in History of Art from York and she's beautiful. We clicked. Back to thinking she may have called me, i have 3 calls that were blocked. All from the same minute. And i only know 2 people who block there numbers. And having asked them, it was neither of them. So i'm a little angry at that. But i'm barely here over the next few months and thats fucking annoying.
ha
Even her name suits me. Helen. For a man who loves antiquity, this is wonderful. And no-one can deny that the beauty of Helen of Sparta was second to only that of Aphrodite herself. Haha, i'm such an idiot.
I've decided to stop drinking lots, because i clearly can't drink and not be violent. I hope your happy!
Lottie start planning my 18th. Fancy doing a joint one?
George, im not sure how much you remember of friday night, but if you remember what you said on the bench to me, then gran it with both hands. You have my support. I love you man. And i may have said some stupid things before. But i honestly do man. I wouldn't trade you for anyone.
This is probably my final blog before Kos. Happy im going, sad i wont be seeing Helen.
grrrrr.
Gonna miss you all.
C.V.A.D
Leavers ball was good, me and George had a nice chat. I got pretty destroyed, and can't remember anything between 2 and 7am..... appart from smacking Hugh Johnson-Gilbert in the face. He's a little cunt. And i'd smack him again. No one calls me a prick whilst im drunk and doesn't get a smack.
Wanker.
But good things come to those who wait. And i've waited a long time. But a good thing has come a long......
As you all know i've been gyming it a lot recently. Well yesterday, whilst i was warming up for a spin class a 5' 9" brunette comes and sits down next to me, asks if anyone was using the bike and sits down next to me. So we get talking, we trade numbers, and we see each other again tonight. She promised to call. And i think she may have done. We were going to go for a cycle tomorrow, she's training for a charity ride from lands end to john o'Groats. And i may join her. I'd miss freshers week, but i might join her. She's new to the area, she knows no-one. She can't be much older than 22. She has a masters in History of Art from York and she's beautiful. We clicked. Back to thinking she may have called me, i have 3 calls that were blocked. All from the same minute. And i only know 2 people who block there numbers. And having asked them, it was neither of them. So i'm a little angry at that. But i'm barely here over the next few months and thats fucking annoying.
ha
Even her name suits me. Helen. For a man who loves antiquity, this is wonderful. And no-one can deny that the beauty of Helen of Sparta was second to only that of Aphrodite herself. Haha, i'm such an idiot.
I've decided to stop drinking lots, because i clearly can't drink and not be violent. I hope your happy!
Lottie start planning my 18th. Fancy doing a joint one?
George, im not sure how much you remember of friday night, but if you remember what you said on the bench to me, then gran it with both hands. You have my support. I love you man. And i may have said some stupid things before. But i honestly do man. I wouldn't trade you for anyone.
This is probably my final blog before Kos. Happy im going, sad i wont be seeing Helen.
grrrrr.
Gonna miss you all.
C.V.A.D
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