Went to an awesome party a few days ago. kicked some major ass. Met a load of great people and had lots of long semi-drunk conversations about sexuality, religion and other awesome stuff. Was just what i needed.

I would make it sound lots better but unfortunately im fucking angry with 2 people at the moment. 2 people that im meant to 'love'. But i've just had enough of their total and utter bullshit. They're both bitches, harpies, hydras, whores, cunts.... the list is endless. Fuck i hate the females in my family.

Lets start at the beginning.
I've been ill recently, doctor prescribed some pills and lots of sleep..... i took the pills but not the sleep. He said, and i quote 'at least 10 hours a night'. So the other night i got none. The night after i got 4 and i got 5 lastnight. My mum however has woken me up at 7am on the last 2 mornings because she ahs things to do and because i'm 'being lazy' by staying in bed after 7..... ITS THE MOTHERFUCKING HOLIDAYS YOU FUCKING WHORE. GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK BEFORE I GET PROPERLY FUCKING ANGRY. I'm also apparently just sucking up my parents funds. Its no secret that my family's finances are in free fall. My dead's gone to find himself another job but apparently, according to the females in the household its my 'lazyness' which is causing out family's finances to fall..... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Dearest mother, you havent done an honest days work for 15 years, dont you ever fucking tell me i'm leeching this families resources. You spend nothing on me. You give all your time to the annorexic bitch who, unfortunately, you sprouted out of your legs and therefore i must call my sister. You spend money on her. Infact you're out now in rugby buying clothes with her for the 4th time this week. Its only fucking thursday for christs sake. And you blame me for this?! I'd also like to add that my parents are saving a lot of money now that im going to uni. Instead of paying 6grand a term plus add ons to send me to rugby (almost 20000 a year) they're now spending 3300 a year. A saving of around 16700 english pounds...... go fuck yourself whore. ARGH.

She then also decided to have a go at me because apparently, reading a novel isn't a productive use of my time. READING IS ALWAYS PRODUCTIVE. I'M DYSLEXIC SO GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. YOU USED TO BEG ME TO READ RATHER THAN GAME.

She has also told me that going to the gym isn't a productive use of my time because apparently me working out isn't what she had planned for me in life. ITS MY LIFE NOT YOURS SO FUCK OFF YOU WHORE. Its my body, i'll do with it what i like. If i want tatts i'll get them, if i want piercings i'll get them. If i want to dye my hair then i'll fucking do it. If i want you to get out of my face then you better fucking do so.

Our family has also adopted the imperative into everything that happens. There is no longer any friendliness in it. Do this. Do that. Make this. Make that. I've got an imperative for you. FUCK OFF. If your stuggling with it, it means, go away, leave, get out of my face etc.

I'm listening to last resort by papa roach... how ironic.

Then there's my sister. You know you hate someone when even their voice pisses you off. I can't wait to go to uni next year so i won't have to hear how annoying her voice is. I should have gone to Kos as i was. I could hardly stand up, but i should have gone simply so i could have been away from your voice and your mother. She's reached her weight target for the first time ever. She ways 50 kilos. less than half what i way. She looks about 12. And she hasn't matured. I can't fucking stand her, or my mother anymore. I'd rather take my own life than spend anytime with either of those bitches. They wonder why i'm secluded. They wonder why i went through a whole emo stage, they wondered why i self-harmed. They wonder what my motervation is to put myself through pain at a gym almost daily. They wonder why i'd rather spend time with friends than with them. Perhaps its because they think they can all walk over me. 'I. Can't. Go. On. Living. This. Way.' Correct papa roach. Correct.

My mum just called to check that i was doing something useful...... I don't want this anymore. I just can't fucking take this bullshit anymore. From either of them. I feel no emotion towards anyone because no one feels any towards me. I've just about had enough.

Can't wait to spend a month in a foreign country with them!!!!! 8D
Especially because its a foreign country where i can't legally drink acholic beverages!!!!!
Oh wait. Yes i can. I am James A. Hoggarth. Some know me as Hogi. Some know me a CVAD. Some know me a James. Few know me as A. perhaps this is where i should start.

No one cares anymore.
My rant has run out of steam on here. But in me, it certainly hasnt. it is a cruel God who gave me life in 1992. I'd much rather have lived a millenium ago. Would have been so much better than this one. 1000 years ago when i probably would have been living in Dunholm, or Bebbanburg. That should have been my destiny, instead of this one.

Someone once told me to never wish away my life. Because you only get one. Yeah, well at the moment, im wishing it away like you motherfuckers wouldn't believe. Because i have to. Because i dont want this anymore. And i never will want this. Apparently you only find true happiness when you find love. Well i havent found love forever and a day, im not going to find it anytime soon and you know what, im just about ready to stop trying to find it. Perhaps an ugly fuck like me shouldnt deserve love. Perhaps i should rot slowly in a pit somewhere like i have so often been told i'm going to by both family members and by former friends.

This is a long one, and i'm still going.

Anyway, Hatty, if you read this i recommend you watch V for Vendetta if you havent seen it. Its a great film and may help you with your parents. I know that J will support you, as will all the people i met the other othernight. As will i, i should add because your a great friend, and i'm hear for you.

I've also kind of accepted that my voice has gone. This is horrible for me. It used to be one of my only assets. Now i no longer have one. I may only be able now to make any money that way by screaming. Which apparently im allright at. I just dont put the practice in, and i dont use the correct substances to help myself.
Still, anythings possible.
And whats the worst that can fucking happen?

Fear is something i aim to dispell from myself. If i get rid of it then i will be invincible. My armor has grown back since i was unmanned, and now i hope to only strengthen the fucker by riding myself of weaknesses, like fear. No emotions. That would be the best thing for me. But there will always be one emotion in my which will always be here. Hate. Apparently the worst emotion. But one i've come to embrace.

And hate is an emotion that we should all live without.

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