I am unmanned.

My shell lies in ruins. My armor is stripped from me. There is nothing. clipeum mei iacit. arma mei iacit. animus frangit.
There is nothing anymore. I lie naked for all to taunt. All to harm. I cannot defend myself. My power, the thing which defined me, is no more. There is nothing left here. Nothing.

I am no saint. But no one deserves this feeling. The feeling of emptiness. The feeling you have nothing to live for. I just want to die. There is nothing i want more right now than to be removed from this earth. No one would miss me. 'love don't live here anymore', love never lived with me Dallas, it never did. I am unloved. There is nothing for me to live for. My existance is flawed. Maybe i'm not the violent, angry man that i portray, but at least anger held me, transfixed me, like the lover i never had. Now i have nothing. Nothing. 'You've abandoned me.'

I watch the clouds roll past. And i can't help feel that perhaps you were right. Perhaps i do need councilling. But you know what, i refuse. I am the councillor, not the councillee. No one listens to my problems. No one. I would never have it like that. Strength is a plus. I loved my strength. Loved it. I still do. But it seems my friends do not like me this way. They do not like the head-strong, lone ranger that i portrayed myself to be. I just wanted to be different from the crowd, i still wanted to be loved. But it seems that will never happen. Love has found another home. And it will never be mine. I'm not angry with you. I would never hurt you, or your friends. I am a mercenary. Tash told me to punch ollie because she wouldn't do that to him, he would not take it seriously. I am a mercenary, i will do anything. I only hit him because she asked. And i wasnt even that hard, just a gut punch. You say that no one can live a full life whilst they're angry. I agree to an extent.

(did a maths paper)

what can i do? I need my friends support. But only one friend, i would rather your amigo was not informed of my situation.

You broke me today. Broke me like i have never been broken before. But you can fix me, or change me. I would appreciate it if you did. For me at least. Please, take the weekend to relax, but next week, sit down with me and talk to me. I swear that i would never hurt you, and if i did, my life is forfit. It will be yours to do as you wish. You do not have to except my pleas. I have lived fine up till today, and i will continue as i am. You came so close to bringing me to tears today, so close. I would never want to cry infront of you again. I swore i would never cry again a long time ago. It has been more than 10 weeks since i last did. This is an effort for me. I am an emotional mess, so i cry alot. This is why i did not want you to unearth the true me. The true me is weak. He is pathetic. Like a sparrow to an eagle. The eagle is strong, represents hope, and courage. The sparrow represents cowardice, and weakness. I wished to be the eagle, but you have torn me down to a sparrow.

verbus aio nullos est.

adiuve me.

Liverpool FC, my club, my faith, my soul

So, hopefully this won't die today.

Liverpool fc are playing their second leg in the europa league tonight, a 2-0 win would see us in the final. 1-0 would see extra time and pens.
I'm optimistic.... touch wood.
We need to score early though, really really early, like now please boys.

As a bit of encouragement i'd like you all to join with me in singing you'll never walk alone by Gerry and the pacemakers

When you walk
Through a storm
Hold your head, up high
And don't be afraid, of the dark
'Coz at the end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song
Of the lark

Walk on, through the wind
Walk on, through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed
And blown

Walk on, walk on
With hope, in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

Alone

Walk on, walk on
With hope in your hearts
You'll never walk, alone
You'll n-never walk alone.

Thank you.

Now, far more pressing matters

And also, to wish him good luck, and a swift recovery.

His armband proved he was a red Torres, Torres
You'll never walk alone it said, Torres, Torres
We bought the lad from sunny Spain
He gets the ball, he scores again,
Fernando Torres, Liverpool's number 9
Na na na na na na na, na na, na na
Na na na na na na na, na na, na na
na na na na na na na, na na na na, na na na na
Fernando Torres, Liverpool's number 9.

Bring it.

Karma, you're being good to me at the moment, please bring me more luck, you old friend you.

And mascharano, don't get sent off mate. And babel, stop being a fucking donkey. Fucking retard.

And good luck to Fulham tonight.

Song of the day: Shop - Beardyman
Quote of the day: 'You'll never walk alone' - Gerry

i had written a long one for you guys tonight, but unfortunately it deleted itself.... i am not amused.

Basically the key themes were:

1. Karma, its on my side, as after having that fall out with my mother, i won 20 quid on a scratcfh card with my venusta lottie.

2. Apologies,

I apologized to 4 people who i needed to. I will do this again next time.

3. JDM your a cunt.

4. i can't be fucked with life anymore

5. Barcainter, which i will now call, banter.
(Its shite by the way)

6. Work work work

7. trance around the world/ a state of trance

8. the harddrive - so good, it'll make your tail curl

anyway, i will write this up at some point

i love you all

song of the day was sometimes (i wish) be city and colour
quote of the day was: what goes around comes around....

Fucking technology.....

Jx

fuck this

Don't you just fucking hate you parents?
Or is it just me.
I'm still living at home, at least for the next few months, and i've hit the stage where i don't want to anymore, i feel unwelcome, i feel too big for it. I just want to run away. I fucking hate my family like that. My mother is a bitch, she thinks she can rule my life. She is scared of me though. She knows that i can hurt her so much more than she can hurt me. We have had several fights through the years, the earliest one i can remember is me, aged about 6 telling her that i wasn't going to school and she was going to have to fight me to get me to go out of the door, lets just say, i wasn't as strong then as i am now.
We have just had another one of the famous Hoggarth/Marley scraps, but this time, as ever i was in the ascendency.
I don't like hitting women, it is something i won't do. But pushing is not hitting in my book. And i used my surroundings to combat the bitch to begin with. She is currently washing lemon barley water out of her wretched hair. Fucking whore.
We don't get on, i have described this tamely here though. Nothing like it usually is. We do not get on. I was going to go to Rome this summer with my family, i have pulled out. If someone wants to let me stay at theres in early september i would be most thankful. And if someone would let me sleep on there couch for the next few weeks in school, then i would be very thankful.

I was sitting in latin earlier, and i was scanning through some old passages, and i found one which is very much relevent to my current life. It is by Catullus, but it is not some form of literary erotica like lots of his work is, it describes how he feels following the abandonment of the girl he loves.
Fitting or what? I've changed it a bit to fit my current situation.
Here it is:

Miser Jamule, dēsinās ineptīre,
et quod vidēs perīsse perditum dūcās.
Fulsēre quondam candidī tibī sōlēs,
cum ventitābās quō puella ducēbat
amāta nōbīs quantum amābitur nūlla.
Ibi illā multa cum iocosa fiebant,
quae tū volebas nec puella nolebat,
fulsēre vērē candidī tibī sōlēs.
Nunc iam illa nōn vult: tu quoque impotēns nōlī,
nec quae fugit sectare, nec miser vīve,
sed obstinātā mente perfer, obdūrā.
Valē puella. Iam Jamulus obdūrat,
nec tē requīret nec rogābit invītam.
At tū dolebis, cum rogāberis nūlla.
Scelesta, vae tē! quae tibī manet vīta?
Quis nunc tē adībit? Cui vidēberis bella?
Quem nunc amābis? Cuius esse dīcēris?
Quem bāsiābis? Cui labella mordēbis?
At tū, Catulle, dēstinātus obdūrā.

It basically means, James, stop feeling so bad for yourself, you can pick yourself up from this, you are a hardened sole, and this life is yours for the taking. It also has a little bit of slating at the bottom, but you know, anger is still there for me so i care little.

Anyway, i hope you guys can tell i'm feeling better.

I love you all

Jx

Song of the day: Violence - Blink 182
Quote of the day: 'Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy' - Robert Anthony

2.0

So, its been about 24 hours since the reckoning.
I have survived, i am a little scares, i have blisters from walking last night in the rain, and then i slept on my trampoline. But i feel better now. Changed. I still have the same feelings for her, and she knows that, but we're talking and that is the best i can hope for is friendship. But she should know that lastnight she looked so good and smelled even better. That is something i like in a woman, the perfume she wears, for me, it is a womans smell that does it. Nothing beings out the carnal beast more in me than a womans sent. Emma, you will probably never read the words i have written on this blog, mainly because you refused to, but i pray one day you will, beacuse that would make me happy.
I love you dearly, and i hope we stay in contact forever, more for my sake than yours. You can cope without me, but for now, i don't think i can without you.

But, i still think that i am changed.
I still want her, and my eyes are still hers, and she knows this, but i know that i can never be with her. I know i must find someone else, but i do not know where to look. For i am not welcome i fear at school by anyone. I doubt last chance will yield anything for me, and my option out of school is not talking to me. I fear i will have to wait longer than i planned.

Still, i'm alive, and i'm not dead, and you know what, i'm good. I'm really fucking good, for the first time in a long time :)


Neway, i have an exam tomorrow, i should get some rest.

I love you all, but tonight, especially lottie and emma, for helping me see the light.

Jx

Song of the day: 2.0 - Blessthefall
Quote of the day: 'A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues' - Marcus Tullius Cicero

I just want to cry.
I....
perhaps my life isn't worth living anymore. I honestly don't think it is. It has no purpose, the one reason that i chose to continue living has gone.
So what can i do?
Death?
it would be too easy. Cancer will take me, either that or heart disease.

Our love was very much unrequited.
Why did i, the pauper think i could have the princess.

Gods, your cunts yeah. You're all cunts. Why did i ever think i would be good to follow you when all you do is bring me misery and heartache. Fuck you all. Fuck you all.

I have nothing else to say, the first person i thought about when i woke up and the last person i thought about before i went to bed has gone from my life.

Perhaps the cold blade may be my only warmth

fuck the atleti

Title says it all

Fucking scumbag cunts, think they can cheat there was to the next round. You know what, if i ever meat Jurado, i;m going to fucking nut the wanker. Cunt.

Fucking atleti arseholes.