Burial

I have a confession to make to all of you.
All 1 of you that reads this on a regular basis.

I'm not mentally stable. I self harm. I'm showing signs of chronic fatigue. I'm depressed. I have family issues.

I can't even write this without feeling depressed.

I tried to kill myself earlier. For 1 small small reason. Because i can't live with my family any longer. I would rather be dead than have to see any of them again. No one should have to live knowing that they just can't love their family. No one. But i don't love my family. I hate them. I hate what they've done to me, how they think that they can control me. How they think i am some pawn to be controlled. I turned the car wheel whilst my mum was driving as a car was coming the other way. It managed to swerve out the way. If we;d hit, the car would have rolled, i would not be writing this, and happiness would be mine. You see, this is where my family issues and my mental instability overlap. I also have issues with my sister. She criticises me for taking time off, when i can't work any harder, and she works like a machine.
I don't ever feel hungry, i always feel sick. I threw up earlier into a sink. I haven't thrown up for a long time, but now i just had to. I simply had to. I could taste it. We see here that maybe chronic fatigue has set in. My attention span has also shrunk. I can't keep writing an essay, i have to stop every ten minutes. I'm fucked for these exams, simply because im so tired.
Self-harm is not something i've done often before. I can see why people do it. As a stoic, it sought of defeated the point, because i didn't really notice it anyway.
Such is life.

I'm tired simply writing this.

You've probably lost all respect for me, I'm not surprised.
I wouldn't respect me either. I man who won't speak to his mother, won't speak to his sister, and who can't speak to his father. I have no platform anymore. My roots are rotting. I have no reason to live anymore. There is nothing for me to grab onto. I'm in free fall.

When i told you i was going to hug you earlier, it was for 2 reasons.
1. I wanted to hold you, because you were sad.
2. I wanted someone to hold onto, because then stability might have been reinstated.

The exodus of my nearest and dearest has began. I love you all, and would give my life to all of you. Life is meant to be something precious. But the emptiness i currently feel is overpowering.

Adiuve me.